Blame it on the two glass of iced coffee I drank last night or that I’m just stressed out from work. Or maybe the rain this past few days. Or maybe because it’s Valentines today. That plus the ongoing pandemic that seems to have no ending. But here I am, writing again.
Time check – its 2:39am and I am still wide awake. That’s no surprise though, me and sleep has this weird relationship. I have this weird ability of being able to put off sleep for a couple of days. I can basically stay awake for days with just hours of sleep each day.
Plus Mercury is also on retrograde.
If you don’t know what that means. Look it up. Maybe that will also explain why you are feeling the way you do these past few days. But regardless, whatever the reason may be. I can say that I haven’t been myself lately. I have been messy. I have been unproductive. I have been unmotivated. And for someone who has trying so hard to pick himself up. Making a constant effort to be a better version of himself. I am failing miserably.
So all these factors and the burden that you placed upon yourself to be better physically, mentally and emotional is just adding pressure onto you. Making you more aware of your own shortcomings. And building up to that constant anxiety of not being good enough for anyone or anything. Disappointing not just you but also the people around you. So like any sane normal human being. I seek out other external factors to make myself feel better.
So I reached out to my ex again.
Yes, call me whatever you want. I am that person. And before you judge me any further, let me clarify some things.
- I have long accepted the fact that the possibility of us getting back together is IMPOSSIBLE.
- I am no longer the same person who fell madly in love with my ex a few years ago.
- And even if we disregard both 1 and 2, I am not in the right frame of mind to be in any sort of relationship again. More importantly to be in a relationship with the person who broke me.
So why communicate with him again? Because it was available. Because it was convenient. I wanted to reminisce on that moment wherein I was somehow happy despite it being messed up. These are scars left when you experience a toxic relationship. Scars that from time to time itch before it finally heals.
I wanted to remind myself that I can be happy despite the condition where I was in before. Or maybe I was trying remind myself that all it was all real. What we had and what I felt. It was real. Because at the lowest point of your life, you try to hold on to those moments where you felt most alive. Even if they are just fleeting memories. Or a ghost of what used to be your happy ever after.
To make the long story short. We planned on meeting up again. And after negotiations and compromise we finally agreed on a date. But it didn’t happen. Part of me was scared. And I guess he was also. We have come so far on making ourselves better that we couldn’t afford to go back down to that rabbit hole again.
Was I disappointed? Yes. I would be lying if I say I wasn’t. But I guess it was the universe way of trying to stop us from committing another more mistake. Or maybe it was just wasn’t meant to be. Here are just some of our conversations.
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C
Like what I said, toxic.
So here’s my take away. Don’t force things to happen. Trust on your own process. Whether it be with loving or with healing. We are all walking on different paths. Following a different timeline. Don’t allow anyone to judge you on where you are right now because at this very moment you are where you are supposed to be. May it be to experience or learn or who knows what really. We will never know unless we submit ourselves to it. It may be stupid for others. Sometimes they won’t understand. But hey, it’s your life. I’ve done crazier thing. So who am I to judge you and tell you don’t. Calculate the risk or maybe just follow what your heart tells you. Regardless, own every experience because it is unique. You will always be become a little bit more even when you lost or get broken. And these are your stories to tell. These are your narratives. These are the events in your life that will trigger your plot twist. So own it.
Cakes and Coffee 