Survival Mode: ON

I am on my default survival mode right now.

What does that mean?

To give you a clear picture, let me tell you a story. When I was young we used to live quite far from my school. Because of this, I was always late in coming into school. During my elementary days, I would have panic attacks whenever I would be late. I would cry and beg my mom to allow me to be absent just because I was dreading the embarrassment on entering my class late.

How late? One time, I entered school and it was already recess.

Sometimes I would asked my mom to go with me so that she could explain to my teacher why I was late. But because she also had class which she was already late. So she would refuse. I would be having anxiety and panic attacks but my mom would not consider this and she would leave for work.

So I was left alone to fend for myself. I either had two choice; continue to cry outside the school or to put a brave face on and enter my class. I did the latter. So I have no choice but to suck it all up and pretend that I didn’t just have a breakdown a few minutes earlier, complete with clinging on my mom to not leave me.

Somehow I did survive elementary. But that memory has always embedded in my mind.

Fast forward to me working as an HR, I have been assigned in working with Employee Relations. And with that I have dealt with most of the kinds of problems you would have encountered if you are working. From the worst like theft, fighting with a workmate and workplace accident. To the minor stuff like insubordination and absenteeism and tardiness (this is a full circle moment for me).

The minor stuff I could easily handle. But for those serious and grave cases, I would be having the same kind anxiety as I had a child. My heart would be beating so hard and I would just want to run away from all of it.

But I can’t. I don’t have that luxury. I am paid to deal with whatever was given on my table. So again, I had no choice but to sucked it all up and pretend that I was okay. I would composed myself and gather all the details of the case or the incident and think of the most rationale way of dealing with it. I would then go and deal with whatever problem was at hand.

I am not a panicky person. I would like to take my time and think about the situation at hand. Sometimes a little bit too much. But nevertheless it worked. Or rather I have survived.

Present day.

Like the rest of the world, I have been on community quarantine for a month now. Although I have been lucky to have the option of working from home on those days but it has been challenging especially if your work requires you to deal with your employees personally. To assess the situation and the employees themselves and to based your next move or actions on that assessment. In this trying times, as an HR you are caught in between the plight of your employees and the business decision management has to take in order for the company to survive. Some are lucky enough to have that sense of balance. Others have don’t have.

I will be turning 29 this year, and throughout my life I have been on constant survival mode. As much as I want to blame my parents, society and the rest of the world for that. I can’t. You can only use that card at a certain point in life. Once you played that, whatever happens in your life is your own fault. Whether it be your downfall or your success. You just can’t put in on others anymore. You have to take ownership of everything. You have to take control of your life.

But sometimes that approached in life can be draining. We, as a human beings are not meant to attack ourselves. Self-preservation have always been humanity’s greatest asset that is why we have survived as a species.

In my 29 years of surviving in this world. I have learned that in any given situation. Especially those that have been difficult or challenging. You have three choice of approach. Whether it be a personal problem, a relationship problem or even work related. I have find this approached quite useful and effective.

So when you encounter a situation or problem, you have these three options.

First,

Change the Situation.

Act. Do something. Try to make it to your favor. Do good. Change the person. Change the world. Whatever it may be. Don’t just sit there and complain. Don’t just criticize, do something about it. Something effective. Something productive. Something that will change the course of the situation that you are in right now. Do it. Implement yourself in the situation that you are being affected of.

And if you can’t do the first step or approach, then…

Change your Mentality about the Situation.

Real talk, we can’t change everything in our lives. You can’t change people especially. Change is an internal process that happens naturally. Others can be a trigger for change but unless one desires or finds the necessity for it then it will never happen. You have no right to impose change on others. You can suggest. You can try to make them understand but at the end of the day. They must find the need for that change.

 So what can you do, adapt and survive. You must change yourself whether it be mentality, physically, emotionally or even spiritually in order to accommodate whatever it is that is happening in your life right now.

But what if you can’t, you asked me. Who am I to impose change on you when I have clearly said is an internal process. What should one do?

Remove Yourself from the Situation.

Yes, save yourself. Remove yourself from whatever is causing you distress and confusion. I know this is easier said than done. But if the first two approach is not applicable in the situation then you do this. You run. You resign. You give up. And that doesn’t make you any weaker or stronger. It only means that you have done everything you can towards the situation. This is the most basic self-defense.

Fight or Flight.

But remember, never to flight if you haven’t tried fighting. Why because you don’t what yourself looking back and wondering “what if”. Make sure that you have done everything you could in order to change it. No regrets. Especially if it means so much to you.

I am on my default survival mode right now.

I am that child again who is anxious and scared. My mind is overthinking. I am constantly asking myself,

What’s next?

What’s next?

WHAT’S NEXT?

And because of the uncertainty of our current situation. I have no answer to that. So how do I proceed when I have nothing to hold on to. How do I manage when everything seems to be in disarray? I want to have that sense of order. I want to have a clear plan. But I can’t. Not right now anyways, there is only so much I can do given the situation at hand.

I have always relied on myself. At a young age I have understood that I can never depend on anyone except my own. But then again I have to understand that this is more than me right now. I am just a speck amidst all this chaos.

So, I go back to that 3 approach I have mentioned earlier.

Can I change the situation?

Somehow, I can. By staying at home. By practicing social distancing. I am so called “flattening the curve”. But I can only be accountable for my actions, what about the others? What about the rest of our country? The rest of the world? And is it really enough? Am I really doing enough?

Can I change my mentality about the situation?

I can. I am. By writing this, I am trying to make sense of all it. But it is taking a toll on myself. I’m tired. Not physically but mentally and emotionally. I have never been a stable person to begin with. I have faked my way throughout life. I am faking myself through it right now. And sometimes I don’t want to. I don’t want the responsibility anymore. Again I’m tired. I don’t want that constant burden anymore. Why do I have to be okay? Why do I have to fake it? Why do I need to pretend?

 Can I remove myself from the situation?

I can. But I won’t. I’ve been to worst situation mentality and emotionally. I didn’t survive all those times just to give up right now. But sometimes it is tempting. The idea of ending it right all now. Would I matter? What is the point of even surviving this? I am irrelevant. I am nobody. Fight or flight. And like what I said, I am so damn tired of trying to be okay. I am so damn tired of trying to fight it all. Trying to fight it alone.

But then again, I am not alone.

I AM NOT ALONE.

I need to remind myself of this constantly. I have my family and friends.

So yes, I am on my default survival mode right now. We all are. Some much more different than the others. But as long as it is good. As long you are not hurting anybody. Do it. Survive. I beg you. I know that I am not alone on this constant struggle. That’s why I want you to know that you are not alone too.

It is okay not to be okay. It is okay to feel helpless and sadness especially during this trying times. But never dwell on that feeling much more than necessary. Unburden yourself if it is becoming too much already. If nobody has ever told you before, then let me be the one to say this to you.

It is okay. You can let go of the responsibility of you saving yourself. Break down if you must. Let it all out whatever means necessary. You don’t have to keep it inside of you. You are tired. I know I am. That’s why I am resorting to putting all my emotions on words so that I can assess myself more clearly. And you can do the same. Or something similar. I won’t judge you. And if they will, then they don’t deserve to be in your life right now. They don’t understand the struggle you have to get pass to reach this moment in your life. Those close call encounters nobody has ever seen. The “accidents” that you have averted because of your desire to survive.

I can’t promise you anything tomorrow or the next day. So let’s take it one day at a time. For today, let just survive.